This is not the end, this is not the beginning

A late night revelation once again. It’s been a while since I actually vented online and things are still messed up. My brain is on overdrive just overthinking and overanalysing every human encounter I have. Too many bad things have happened, whether it be my behaviour which have consequences or the fact that somebody very close to me has self harmed, although I know I have had nothing to do with the situation I feel like I have failed as a human in preventing this. With all the things going on I have found that I turn to alcohol to get the courage to try and fix my problems rather than facing them head on. Although I am much happier than I was 2 years ago, I feel I have much to think about and work on.

vashito:

the treat yo self scene in parks and rec is the worst thing that ever happened to my self-control

(via thatsthat24)

There’s so many different words in my head but I can’t seem to form a sentence that makes sense. I can’t seem to understand why I feel the way I do right now, there’s no reason for me to feel as down as I do, I’m about to start my new job, I have an amazing family and I just spent an amazing 3 months in America doing what I love, but I just can’t help but feel down. As I lay awake at night I just can’t help but remind myself of everything that makes me unhappy. The main one is being alone. As much as I love my alone time but day after day as I sit in my room watching Netflix and refreshing every social media app I have on my phone, it just reminds me of how little I see these people I call my “friends”. I have my best friends, but living as far north as I do, I never get to see any of them. You would think it would be easy to keep in contact with everyone with the technology that is around these days but simply this day in age, people just don’t have the time or want to make the effort, including myself. Ever since I got back from America, I have spent a month doing absolutely nothing, and I have hated every single minute of it! Boredom did lead me on a 9 hour journey to visit an old friend down in Nottingham, but even they have been quiet since I visited. I’m hoping everything will change in the next few weeks as I start my new job, earn some money and hopefully make some new friends, but right now, I feel alone and so lost.